Humiliation Play 101: What Is It, Anyway?

When most people think of BDSM and dominance, they think of spanking, whips, and pain. There's another side to BDSM that has nothing to do with pain play – humiliation play. It's the erotic pleasure of servitude and obedience to a Dominant partner. To some, it might seem abusive, but as along as there is clear communication and set boundaries, it is always consensual. Technogeisha of Life in the Swingset gives some insight into the eroticism of humiliation.

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In the realm of BDSM it can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian. Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced Dominatrix (Dom) I only come close to the edge, but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release, and it all starts with the words, “Are you my dirty whore?”

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words – in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words, “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do. Tell me not to do, say, or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become erotic. These words, strongly delivered, are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Master complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter. I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind-fuck.

At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing. Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle, not to dominate. The Dom, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and a good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into a variety of verbal and physical forms. Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or having your appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing the Submissive (Sub) to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the Sub, either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross-dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear a collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. As in open relationships, Communication is very important when multiple partners are involved. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the Dominance/submission (D/s) relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the Dom/Top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other. Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself, but your play partner as well. The sub tells the Dom what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual. Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward.

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin. If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner. Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori, plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliation at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons. Humiliation is different things to different people. It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.

Cross posted with permission from Life on the Swing Set.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

You have read this article BDSM / humiliation / Kink / sexual communication / Technogeisha with the title Technogeisha. You can bookmark this page URL https://lamentoeternal.blogspot.com/2013/01/humiliation-play-101-what-is-it-anyway.html. Thanks!

Could Loving More Mean Hurting Less?

At GetLusty for Couples, we occasionally discuss polyamory. It can definitely be a viable alternative for couples looking to change up their relationship. You may not yet be ready for polyamory, as we aren't yet. As long as you have an amazing sexual relationship--that's what's most important! If you are polyamorous, does that mean you're less likely to be violent? How much does the act of defining your sexuality influence your life for the better? Technogeisha, our polyswinging and poly-advocate, is here to talk about how poly relationships might actually decrease domestic violence.

Quick editorial note: Why does GetLusty care about violence (or lack of it)? Talking about sexuality, we talk about where we've come. Since many of us (at least 1 in 5) have encountered violence--sexual or physical--which we're still scarred by, violence is an issue we seriously care about.

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Recently, in Long Beach, CA two girls decided they needed to meet after school to fight. A couple of hours later, one of the girls was rushed to the hospital and later succumbed to unknown injuries. What struck me about this story was the fact that this girl died just weeks before her 11th birthday and that they met to fight over a boy. I was trying to wrap my head around the concept that two fifth grade girls felt they had to meet in an alley to throw down over a guy like guests on an episode of The Jerry Springer Show. They only tussled for about a minute, no weapons were involved and no one fell to the ground. When others tried to intervene, some boys stopped them because they wanted to watch the girls fight. How does this kind of jealousy and rivalry start so early?

Since reading "Sex at Dawn”, I was beginning to realize that I’ve become more sensitive to news like this. There seems to be a steady stream of these crimes of passion. Plus, the news has no problem serving up stories like the astronaut who drove across the country to kill her rival, or the Orange County woman who cut off her husband’s penis and said, “He deserved it.” There are endless reports about people who suspect infidelity and then run off to kill or maim both their spouse and the alleged lover.

Up until recently, a man could be considered justified in a case like this and the charges dismissed. It’s the subject of books, movies, television shows and songs. The need to possess and control someone has been strong enough to make people react in ways from the extreme to the petty. It made me wonder what domestic violence and homicide crime rates would look like if people managed their jealousy and possessiveness better. Are people in open relationships less likely to let these feelings push them into hurting someone? Are there fewer instances of homicide and abuse among the non-monogamous?

Statistics

An extensive online search only provided general statistics, proving that there is very little research available on the subject. The Department of Justice Statistics state women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner or family member than by strangers. Violence resulting in homicide against women was perpetrated by someone they knew intimately 30% of the time.

Homicide committed by a stranger was just under 9% with 28% as unknown. Conversely, only 5% of men were involved in intimate partner violence. It’s estimated that intimate partner violence claims the lives of three women and one man every day. These reports don’t get into detail other than gender, race and weapon, so there were no specific reasons behind these attacks. I had to search elsewhere to find more about what drives people to hurt their partner.

Why Hurt?

An interesting article on the TLC Family website by Jonathan Strickland tries to tackle the question “Why do we kill?” There is a percentage that has to do with anti-social behavior and a lack of empathy. Then, there is the emotional component that leads to the aforementioned crime of passion. Jealousy, revenge, anger and fear could provide sufficient motivation to lead someone to commit an act of violence. The desire to control someone emotionally and physically can also drive people to act before using introspection or dialogue to find a passive and proactive solution.

The book, "Why Do They Kill: Men Who Murder Their Intimate Partners," by David Abrams, found the reasons were less a “crime of passion” and more about long-standing grievances that escalate over time. Substance abuse, distrust, and a disdain for women were also factors that Dr. Katherine Van Warner (another prolific author on domestic violence) pointed out in an online interview about domestic violence and how it is derived from a patriarchal society.

Van Warner states, “But there are many other factors such as alcohol and other drug use which removes inhibitions, stress related to global competition as reflected in employment, and psychological factors, which may be the most crucial factor of all. The psychological portrait of the male abuser is of an insecure man, who is possessive of his wife/partner and who isolates her so he can control her. Typically, he has been abused in childhood. This man doesn’t know how to love and trust.”

Open Relationships

I had hoped to find a few statistics in the context of open marriages and poly relationships but came up empty-handed. I could not pin down whether people in open relationships reacted less violently than those in monogamous relationships, either. There is little desire in mainstream circles to document these statistics. Whether a couple is open or monogamous was never asked in either statistical reports or surveys. It seems easy to assume the answers lie only in jealousy and the emotions that go with it because of the information available. This makes it seem like the triggers for domestic violence and intimate partner homicide are more complicated than we might think.

Anti-social behavior, substance abuse and mental instability are factors that can’t be dealt with by simply keeping an open mind about relationships. Domestic violence happens even in open relationships. Embracing the open lifestyle doesn’t eliminate the prospect of infidelity, the feelings of jealousy, nor does it eliminate other factors in abuse.

The only thing open relationships may be able to provide are better tools and understanding to deal with it. More research on the subject may tell us if there is any decrease in the likelihood of violence in non-monogamous relationships. Monogamous couples can learn a lot from open and poly folk. Taking the time to rethink their reactions, taking responsibility for their own emotions and not to forcing others to change to accommodate their insecurities could help people when making life-altering decisions. It won’t save everyone but it could save a few relationships and might save a few lives in the process.

Cross posted with permission from Life on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasy's and other sites. Subscribe to her Facebook feed on Miko Technogeisha and follow her on Twitter at @Technogeisha.

You have read this article polyamory / sexual adventures / sexual exploration / Sexuality / Technogeisha / violence with the title Technogeisha. You can bookmark this page URL https://lamentoeternal.blogspot.com/2012/11/could-loving-more-mean-hurting-less.html. Thanks!

Open Sexuality: a Historical Perspective

We talk about polyamory occasionally. We started off with an exploration into polyamory. We answered 6 questions about polyamory. In past articles, Technogeisha has explained some of her sexuality as a being a polyswinger. In this article, Technogeisha explores polyamory from a historical perspective.

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“Morality is doing what is right, regardless of what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, regardless of what is right.”

There has been a lot of talk lately about the level of insanity brought about by the coming election versus open sexuality. It became a hot topic amongst the Swingset this week. I felt compelled to write about the current state of things and maybe provide a little bit of historical perspective.

For a moment lets not look at how we seem to be regressing, lets appreciate how much we’ve progressed. Fifty years ago, it would have been impossible to have the discourse we are having today. LGBT people could not be out openly much less worry about marriage equality. We were still struggling with racial equality.

Open sexuality was suppressed. One hundred years ago women were fighting for the right to vote and there was little to no sex education. People with any radical views risked being persecuted, jailed or killed. While that is still true somewhat today, we have a much easier time living freely than in the past, just not as easy as we would like. We are always fighting to maintain each freedom that we gain. One thing to keep in mind is that societal norms ebb and flow, sometimes changing radically other time subtly. We will take three steps forward then two steps back. That may seem like a terrible way to more forward but it is forward progress nonetheless.

We’ve had times that were more open (Hellenistic Era, Renaissance Era, Post Revolutionary France, Jazz Age, 1960’s) and times where repression ruled (Late Middle Ages, Puritanical Colonial Era, Victorian Era, 1950’s). It’s been a tug of war across the ages. The important thing to remember is that every time we’ve been pulled back by restrictive behavior the reaction is to push against it. Battling conservatism has been with us for a long time. It’s been in the US ever since the Puritans left England seeking the freedom to pursue their restrictive religion.

We seem to be in a two steps back era right now. Religious conservatives are asserting that the US must live according to Christian ideals and morals, separation of Church and State be damned. In a secular nation they can’t control people using fear of damnation. If they can’t control people with faith they will try to control with faith-based government. . It’s tough trying to win against a group that believes their actions in this world will be greatly rewarded in the next. It makes it easy to convince people they’re being punished for not living according to the laws of God when the nation is struggling economically. Unfortunately, living a virtuous life does not necessarily create jobs or put food on the table.

How does Sex Positive Team America (yes, I’m stealing that title from the podcast) survive and get through the election year without loosing both our minds and our freedom? Someone recently asked Ricky Gervais on Twitter (@rickygervais) how does he respond to someone who thinks there is a conspiracy against religion. His response, “There is. It’s called education.” We live in an era where we can podcast, blog, film, write, teach and be in general a rather squeaky wheel. Most of you are already doing this but you need to get your information outside of your positive social network and out to the conservative public. Recent studies have shown that often in social media we only interact with people who share our values and opinions.

To effect change, you need to reach the people with the differing opinion. Support local government so we can have sex positive politicians working in city and state level. Support activists that are working out in the open, especially if you feel you can’t, so they can work locally and nationally to educate and inform. Make sure that there is access to sex positive books and materials in local libraries and bookstores. Support resources like sex education websites, classes and support groups. Support groups that are working towards equal access to education and information.

Work towards persuading the media to better portray people in alternative or ethically non-monogamous relationships. Support and promote films, TV shows and web content that show positive role models. You can even strive to provide that content. Write and petition against politicians and groups that are trying to take away rights. When you see false information being distributed or when politicians are openly lying make sure the news outlets find out and get them to report on it. You can volunteer at an organization or a cause. Start a support group or just help an individual that is struggling. Teaching children to be open-minded will create open-minded adults. Even just starting a positive conversation on-line in the grocery store can get people to think about things differently.

As quickly as times have changed, it may take hundreds of years to evolve. We could de-evolve in the future like the film “Idiocracy” or positively evolve like the openness of Doctor Who’s 51st Century We may spend a lot of time in a constant push me/pull you environment. We survive by not giving up, not giving into fear and when they tug, we tug back harder.

Originally posted at Life on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Subscribe to Technogeisha on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and follow her on Twitter at @Technogeisha.

You have read this article academic / for couples / for men / for women / polyamory / sexual exploration / Sexuality / Technogeisha with the title Technogeisha. You can bookmark this page URL https://lamentoeternal.blogspot.com/2012/10/open-sexuality-historical-perspective.html. Thanks!

Ready for Swinging? A Story of My First Encounter

Swingers, are couples that engage in sexual activity with others without having a relationship come out of it. Since we have touched on the topic of polyamory in depth, we felt it was time to give swinging some love on GetLusty. Technogeisha, is very knowledgeable about swinging and open relationships. Here is her account on her first encounter with with another swinging couple and how it changed her relationship for the better.

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I’m what you might call a late bloomer. Not that we haven’t tried to go down the road towards non-monogamy before, we just never really got to our destination. We spent lots of time trying to get directions then making wrong turns followed by an extended stay at a rest stop to start a family. Years later we needed to figure out where the passion had gone. Sex is Fun led us to Life on the Swingset and the idea of trying to open up again. A lot of work went into this. It’s not a fun story so I’ll save it for another time. Instead we’ll start here with our first date as we became a swinging couple.

We joined Kasidie (a network of mainly swingers) mostly to find a local community. We never expected to have someone approach us. At least not so quickly! So our first flirt caught us by surprise. We decided to face our fear and respond. We got a good vibe from them and within a week we had scheduled a date. Turns out we were both newbies. We agreed to meet for dinner, lots of drinks, lots of conversation and perhaps a hotel afterward. They were honest and direct. They were only interested in same room sex, no swap. Worked fine for us since this would be our first time ever with another couple. We felt really good about the upcoming date and really looked forward to it.

The day of our date had events scheduled back to back with very little wiggle room. I arrived home at 6pm to find the babysitter, who was supposed to be there at 6pm, had not arrived yet. I lost track of time as I rushed to get ready. I put on sheer lace lingerie and garter like stockings. I covered all that with a clingy wrap dress. Looking at myself in the mirror, I realized I hadn’t felt this good about myself in a long time. It was after I emerged ready for the evening that I realized something was missing. No babysitter and it was already 6:30pm. A phone call revealed she was stuck at a school event that was way behind schedule. She had never been late before and she felt terrible about it.

We now had to call the couple. They were very understanding about the situation. They agreed to wait. 7:00pm passed, then 7:30pm passed. Each time we called the couple to update them. At 8:03pm the sitter finally called to say she was on her way. 8:30pm we were still home and trying to get the kids to go to bed. This was when our youngest had a total meltdown because the sitter wasn’t there. We calmed him down then "H" (husband) put both kids to bed. I waited on the couch, with my coat on, wondering why this entire evening was going to hell in hand basket. "H" found me just sitting there getting a little teary eyed and tried to cheer me up. The night wasn’t over, they were still there waiting and if all else failed we would find something fun to do for the evening. At 8:45, the doorbell finally rang. We said a hasty goodbye to the sitter and rushed out. We arrived at the restaurant two hours late. To our amazement, they were still there.

We made our apologies then started to get to know each other. They were wonderfully relaxed and talked openly about everything. We shared details about why we decided to open our marriage and what was in the future. They liked us and wanted to move forward. We agreed to go to the hotel. Yep, this was really happening.

Once in the room, each couple paired off. I don’t want to give away all that transpired that evening. Let’s just say it was all we had hoped and more. We didn’t stay separate for long yet we never fully swapped. I did a few things I had never done before which included playing with a woman for the very first time. We lay in exhausted bliss on the bed afterwards. Unfortunately, our sitter time was up so we had to go.

We all hugged goodbye in the parking lot and she told me to call when we figured out our schedule. We got in the car and felt like the evening had been a great success.

We had a long discussion about it at home. Then husband said it would take a while to process what happened mostly because things progressed so quickly. I made sure to remind him he could stop things or ask for things at any time. He assured me he would when felt he needed to. He made sure I was fine too. We both went to bed content with the evening and looking forward to future experiences.

I woke up the next morning quite possibly the happiest I had been in ages. One thing’s for sure, I never would have gotten here without Cooper and Life on the Swing Set. It’s a satisfying feeling to have finally, officially, climbed aboard.

Originally posted at Life on the Swing Set.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

You have read this article advice / better sex / Communication / emotional / for couples / for men / for women / foreplay / intimacy / marriage / stronger relationship / swinging / Technogeisha with the title Technogeisha. You can bookmark this page URL https://lamentoeternal.blogspot.com/2012/10/ready-for-swinging-story-of-my-first.html. Thanks!

What I Learned Through Polyswinging

At GetLusty, we're monogamous. We believe monogamous is best for most relationships. Why? Mostly because many of us don't have the time, energy or lack of jealously to open the relationship up. However, we're open minded thinkers and encourage you to consider the possibilities. As long as everything is consensual and involves amazing sex, it's good. Technogeisha reports.

For the newbies! Definitions: To define what's a polyamorous and what's a swinging relationship? Polyamory is the kind of relationship either where partners date others consensually or when a couple involves 3 or more people, all living together. Swinging is when couples engage in sexual activity with others. Usually there's no relationship attached.

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Recently, I had a doubt. It was a subtle thing that played nearly silently in my mind. However, over time the doubt became troubling.

Part of opening up a relationship means lots of discussions that for us, are sometimes overly analytical and other times purely emotional. I was surprised to find out we weren’t exactly equal in what we wanted. The initial plan was to stick together during the entire swinging experience, but over time we realized that would be impractical. Kids and work schedule were getting in the way.

I suggested we try dating separately so we weren’t at the mercy of our hectic schedules. I liked the idea of enjoying new experiences on my own, but he was not interested in dating at all. It didn’t matter how much I wanted him to enjoy being with someone else on his own, the desire just wasn’t there. His lack of enthusiasm for poly dating didn’t mean he wanted to hold me back from experimenting myself. He was happy to play with me but he also understood that I needed a little bit more.

Still I started to worry, a sort of comperison death spiral. Was he really getting everything he needed? I still felt unsure even after all the research kept telling me it was fine.

But research alone doesn’t make you an expert. Real life experience is also needed and I had little of that. Feeling like I sounded embarrassingly naive, I called a friend. Was it really okay that our open relationship was not equal? Thankfully, I got the encouragement I needed to confidently proceed with our “swingopoly” relationship.

It was then that I realized there have always been instances in our relationship where we had to do things at a different pace. There has never been a problem with socializing separately. A dance class specifically comes to mind when I think of us trying too hard to do something together. Early in our relationship I decided to take a ballroom class. My husband’s first instinct upon learning this was to join too.

Dance classes were never something he was interested in, so I hadn’t planned on taking the class with him. I thought we’d have fun together anyway. It wasn't the pleasant experience we had hoped. Having a background in dance meant I would learn quickly and was ready to move on. He had no dance experience other than night clubs so he picked up the steps slower. It was hard to wait for my partner. This kind of dance was all about moving together and it just wasn’t happening. Then the arguing started.

He was frustrated because he couldn’t get his feet to move the way he wanted to. I was frustrated because I wanted to move on. Everyone in the class came as a couple so no one ever switched partners.

For eight weeks, we bickered and stepped on each others toes trying to make two different learning styles work. A year later, I decided to take a class again. This time I suggested taking the class by myself and he wholeheartedly agreed.

I found a class where no partner was required. Being only one of three non-partnered women, I got to dance with one of the teaching assistants. We tore up the floor. I learned at a much faster rate and became a sought after partner. This was followed by swing dancing then, I started going to clubs on my own. My husband would use that time to do things on his own. We never felt jealous or envious of the other’s time. We were pursuing individual interests that the other didn’t necessarily want to participate in and still doing fun stuff together.

This same idea was what we were applying to our open relationship. We are not only a partnership but also individual people with individual needs. We also have to make this work with outside forces controlling our schedule.

Trying to make that work in tandem can result in both partners being frustrated with the process. Sometimes you need to find another dance partner, or partners, that fit different needs. Or at least learn that it’s fine to dance separately when you need to. Communicating openly and honestly with each other meant we found the right balance. This may change over time but we know now not to force ourselves to dance together.

As the song says, “Darling, save the last dance for me.”

Originally posted at Life on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

You have read this article Communication / emotional / Kink / polyamory / sexual adventures / Sexuality / swinging / Technogeisha with the title Technogeisha. You can bookmark this page URL https://lamentoeternal.blogspot.com/2012/10/what-i-learned-through-polyswinging.html. Thanks!

How-to: Erotic Humiliation 101

There are so many different kinds of BDSM. 50 Shades of Grey inspired us all to think about kink in a different light. So how about the practical sides of this. Why might you be interested in erotic humiliation and exactly what does this entail? Technogeisha has been thinking about kink and erotic humiliation for some time. She enjoys being humiliated, and explains why in this article. Technogeisha reports.

Again, please make sure you're communicating with your lover throughout this process. Please read our sexual negotiation article, as well as traits of a submissive and traits of a dominant.

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There’s been lots of talk about kink during Shades of Grey September. Recently, I was approached to write about a certain brand of kink that, up until recently, hadn’t been discussed much. It happens to be the kind of kink I enjoy and it’s called erotic humiliation.

OK, It's an uncomfortable topic

In the realm of BDSM, humiliation can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian.

Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced dominant, I only come close to the edge, but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release and it all starts with the words “Are you my dirty whore?”

Separate sex from "real life"

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words, in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do.

Tell me not to do something, say something or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. These words strongly delivered are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter.

I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind fuck.

What is erotic humiliation? 

At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing.

Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate. The dominant, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

The 2 kinds of erotic humiliation

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into varieties of verbal and physical forms.

#1 Verbal

Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the sub either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.


#2 Physical

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Negotiation, negotiation, negotiation

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. Communication is also very important when multiple partners are involved as in open relationships. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

Don't forget about aftercare

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the dominant/ top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other.

Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself but your play partner as well. The sub tells the dominant what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual.

Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward. We'll talk more extensively about aftercare soon. For now, just make sure you again tell each other how much you care about each other and be extra-specialy-nice.

Let's not analyze

There is also a temptation to psychoanalyze the origin of these desires. I recently read an article by ABC News where psychologists tried to determine the origins of fetishes. They were convinced that certain events in childhood must kick off the fetish.

Humiliation is sometimes described as a kink and sometimes fetish. This may be because paraphilias can be incorporated into play. It’s a slippery slope trying to figure out how a kink or a fetish manifests itself. I’m not a big fan of this kind of analysis. I believe the reasons for what turns you on depends on many different personal factors. Not every foray into kink or fetish has to do with childhood trauma. It could just feel good and work for you or your partner.

Don't be afraid to negotiate & experiment gently

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin. If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner.

Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliations at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons (which we'll talk about). Humiliation is different things to different people. It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.

Originally posted on Live on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

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