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Showing posts with label funny sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny sex. Show all posts
5 Things NOT To Do Mid-Blowjob: Part 2
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5 Ways to Have a More Seductive Thanksgiving
It seems that most people don't think Thanksgiving can be sexy. In fact, it could be considered the most unsexy holiday possible. We don't buy it! This isn't just a day for grandparents and cousins, it's a day spent with your sexy partner. GetLusty's Matt Stickles gives five ways to make your day of giving thanks a sexy one.
* * *
#1 Cuddle when you have the chance
#2 Fun under the table
Just because you're married or have been together for a while doesn't mean you can't play. In fact, quite the opposite. Playing footsie under the table is a great way to remind your partner that you are still thinking about them. You still find them just as appetizing as the the delicious food on top of the table! If you are sitting next to your partner, then a discretely wander your hand over to their lap--it can be pretty seductive!
#3 Play in the kitchen
If your hosting, cooking can be a major hassle. Even though putting together a great meal for a lot of people is a major stress, you and your partner can make it fun by fooling around in the kitchen! Drip some cranberry sauce on his or her neck, put a drop of whip cream on their chest, then help them with the clean-up by licking it off. If your kitchen is separate from the festivities, and you two are all alone for a moment, have yourselves a quick make-out session. There's nothing much sexier than sneaking around with inappropriate behavior.
You just ate your own weight in turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing. The both of you just want to lay on the couch and veg out, neither of you feeling very sexy. However, a little massage is a great way to make each other feel better and maybe even get in the mood. A full body massage might be out of the question, due to that food-baby sitting in your belly. But you can still rub their feet, shoulders, scalp, hands, and arms. As long your partner is not resting on their stomach, mini massage feel amazing and are welcomed touches (do ask first, though).
#5 A Thanksgiving quickie
If you're hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year, then you have all kinds of options for some sexy fun. At some point during the festivities, sneak off with your partner to the bedroom for a quicky. Too much for you? How about a quick blow job in the bathroom? You don't even have to go as far as those things. Find a place with a locked door, throw a hand down his pants, or up her skirt, and just give a taste of what's waiting for them.
Matt is a recent grad from the University of Kansas with Bachelor's degrees in History and Anthropology. Matt currently lives just outside of Chicago. When Matt is not writing and reading articles on GetLusty for Couples, you can catch him getting drinks with friends, reading science fiction, watching the Jayhawks dominate college basketball, or hanging out with Hannah, his Bernese Mountain dog. Have questions, comments or concerns? E-mail him at matt@getlusty.com.
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The 3 Most Awkward Snuggie Sex Positions
We've had a delay on our daily dose of sex positions, so to bounce back we're here with Snuggie sex. Yes, you heard right. Sex with Snuggies on.You know? Those cuddly, soft and fuzzy bath-robe-type lounge wear? On the search for the finest sex positions, we found these. And we thought you should know. GetLusty's staff writer Milan Weasley is here to talk about sex positions.
* * *
Whilst browsing sex positions, I came across Snuggie Sutra. The tongue-in-cheek quality of these descriptions are only matched by the hilarious figures. After reading a few, snickers are inevitable. But I wanted to take the challenge of adding my own spin onto some of these positions.
The Gobble Gobble
To add another layer of weirdness: gobble like your life depended on it. Between your moans and sighs of ecstasy, throw in a few deep and throaty gobbles.
As if this isn't good enough, throw a snuggie in the mix. It's even warmer and snnuglier. Oh, my! Though the awkward factor on this position is low, we're glad it is. Focus on the cunnilingus--or blowjob--here, folks!
The Banana SplitI have one word for this position: bananas.
This position would take quite a bit of flexibility. But it looks pretty interesting. Take advantage of your kitchen, especially if you live in a smaller apartment. There's always interesting places to have sex.
To amp up the awkward: bring props. Nothing better than adding a cherry on top. Or a nice shower of roasted peanuts. Bonus points if you can distract your partner long enough to stick them into crevices.
On a side note: even more bonus points for doing the splits during sex. If you do, watch out. You'll likely need some help to get out of this position.
The Night In
Don't ya just love multitasking? You can have an orgasm while you finish up the last few chapters of The Hunger Games or maybe a book appropriate for adults, like the complete collection of English poet, painter and visionary William Blake. How far can you get before throwing down your book?
If it wasn't already odd enough: try reading out loud. Much like Hysterical Literature, after a while it gets pretty hard to hold your moans in. Make it a game. Read the most outlandish quotes you can find. First to laugh loses. And "losing means certain death. May the odds be ever in your favor."
Snuggie sex may be almost impossible to have without laughing. But it can be done. What's love without laughter anyway? And if you can't hold back the giggles, add some of my silly hints to make it that much goofier. Have you tried Snuggie sex? Would you try it now? Share with us below!
Milan Weasley is one of our first lesbian writers. (Ah! Dykes and dildos!) She spends her days procrastinating grad school and her nights procrastinating everything else. She enjoys writing, gogo dancing, sewing, pole dancing, and defending the Oxford comma. Get in touch with her at milan@getlusty.com.
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20 Things to Avoid During Sex
Sex is and should be funny. There are limits to fun & enjoyable things to do during sex.
We understand that weird and silly things just happen when people have sex. That's just life. But if you're the one who is making these things happen, stop. Just stop! Here is a list of twenty things to not do in bed for you and your man.
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Especially if it's your boss or mother. This should be reserved for emergencies. This includes, for example, if the babysitter is only supposed to call during emergencies.
But otherwise, we'd recommend against this far-too-often practice. Not only does this distract you, it can also ruin the mood entirely. If you don't want to have awesome sex, and then shower sex after that, then go ahead. Answer your phone. But if not, do yourself a favor and turn your phone on silent or even better, just turn it off.
#2 Don't have the TV on
You may think that it's a great idea to get head while you're watching your favorite sports team beat down their rivals but, unless it was a mutual decision don't be a dick so you can get yours sucked.
#3 Don't let it rip willy-nilly
We get it, sometimes you just have to fart. It's a natural bodily function and we are not telling you to keep it until your gut explodes but please, just don't let it rip so that it makes a loud noise. If it accidentally escapes just say 'excuse me' and keep riding.
#4 Don't call someone else's name
Sometimes you might be fantasizing about your favorite porn star or a super sexy ex and that's ok. Whatever gets you off! However, it's a huge mood ruiner and almost a guarantee that you wont be getting that booty any more when you yell out someone else's name that isn't the person you're currently screwing.
#5 No anal without warning
Anal is great! We dedicated an entire month to it. But if you think it's a great idea to ram your partner in the ass without fair warning, you are wrong. Especially if you're going at it hard, make sure not to take it out too far. I was once bruised with a dick on my anus. I couldn't sit for days. It was bad. Don't wish that upon your lover.
#6 Don't do it without lube
Following up with the previous "don't" if you are going to do someone in the ass USE LUBE. It is more than a common courtesy, it's a necessity. Please be kind and lube my behind.#7 Don't make your lover look like they were just in a bar fight
Love bites, hickeys... we love them but please, no need to make someone look like they just got out of a bar brawl.
#8 Don't quote movies
Movie lovers I salute you. But, if you quote movies during our session you're more than likely to get laughter and odd looks rather than someone moaning your name.
And, you know what, sometimes that's what you want--which is cool. But my preference is not to hear, "You can do it! You can do it alll night long!". Unless, of course, we're in the middle of an Adam Sandler fantasy. In which case, that'd still be funny. But slightly more hot.
#9 Don't ever tell your lover to hurry up
#10 Don't cry
Unless you are emotionally moved by our love making there is no crying during sex!
Tears will make any girly boner or pitched tent deflate in an instant. If you have an issue so mentally taxing, let's not have sex. We should probably talk in that case.
#11 Don't break bad news to your lover
Total mood ruiner that could lead to an argument mid coitus. Put your head back on, this is a bad idea. Just let your mind move to another--better--place and get back to giving me head!
#12 Don't break up mid hump
Always be nice to the woman who has your dick in her pussy or mouth. I mean, really, we've been together for how long and you want to break up with me while having sex? That's wrong! Let's talk it over later. For now, enjoy the pleasure of making love.
#13 Don't live tweet sex
Just don't! It's rude and creepy. I don't want my pussy hangin' out there in the Twitterverse. And I'd prefer if you didn't Twitpic or Instagram your dick (AKA dickpic). It's something other than monogamy and we haven't even talked about it first?!
#14 Don't try something new without telling your partner
I am trying to save you some embarrassment and rejection. If you want to put on a horse head and strap on some hooves that's fine, but please discuss it first. Just tell me, we can talk about it (and negotiate), and then move onto making your fantasy into real life!
#15 Don't ask for money
Seriously? Now is not the time. I know the gas and electric bill need to get paid. But I will most definitely forget about it post hump. Just make a note on the fridge before our escapades.
#16 Don't announce that you have an STD mid hump
We understand likely couples won't have to deal with STDs frequently. But this does happen surprisingly, and not always a sign of infidelity. Let's be adult about this one. If you have an STD you should always tell someone before hopping into bed with them. If you are doing it as a joke you deserve to be bucked off and fall on your ass.
#17 Don't talk about the current presidential race
Plain and simple. There is nothing less sexy that politics, insurance and taxidermy. Let's talk about it! Just... not while making love.
#18 Don't talk about your family
We know you love your family but there is a time and a place for them and it's NOT in bed with you and your lover. Talking about drama between family members could not be more unsexy.
#19 Don't invite your dog or cat in to watch
Fluffy and Shadow are your best friends on four legs. We are animal lovers too. But they don't need to come and see the show especially if they are curious must-sniff-everything types.
#20 Don't be a selfish lover
When getting down be courteous! Don't be a one minute man or woman and then not get your partner off. At the very least you need to serve up some oral for dessert.
With love from GetLusty!
This is a guest post by our very own Crimson.
Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!
Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson at amber@getlusty.com.
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5 F'd Up Sex Toys For #SexToyTuesday
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There's nothing that makes us laugh more than some questionably designed sex toys, which is why Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys is an amazing website to pass time browsing! Here are five of our favorite toys from Searah's collection that will make you say "What were they thinking?!"
1. Floppy Fuckable Hand
2. Alien ....breast...vulva...penis...thing...?
3. "FUKPUSSY" (my personal favorite, check out those nipple piercings!)
4. Cyberskin foot with mini vulva
5. Hard plastic vibrating pine cone butt plug...this looks like the most painful thing ever.
Want to see more insane sex toys that look more painful than pleasurable? Toys that are frankenstein-like mash-ups of humanoid body parts? Hilarious sex candy made for body parts that shouldn't have candy placed anywhere near them? Then the Museum of Screwy Sex Toys is for you. Go check it out and let us know which toy is your favorite!
This article is a guest post by our own marketing specialist, Rachael Milton. She spends her time researching and creating art revolving around sci-fi, the internet, and now sex! Rachael lives and works in Chicago with her sugoi boyfriend and kawaii pet guinea pig Tony Hawk. Find out more at rachaelmilton.net. Want to get in touch with her? Get in touch via rachael@getlusty.com.
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